The Habit That Makes You a Great Leader and an Exhausted Woman
When most of us think about burnout, we think about long hours, endless responsibilities, having too much on our plate.
And while those things matter, I've come to learn there's another cause of burnout, quietly draining your energy underneath all of the protocols.
It's the burnout that comes from leaving yourself behind.
If you're a high achiever, a woman who cares deeply about the people in your life... if you can read a room and take care of others' needs before they've even said them out loud...
You're familiar with situations where you've put other people's needs before your own.
You're the leader of your team at work, and you've also been dealing with a chronic issue for months. You finally make a doctor's appointment and it's five months out. The day before your long anticipated appointment, a crisis arises at work that demands your presence. You can't delegate this one. You reschedule the appointment and get back on the medical merry go round.
You know your mornings would be easier if you could just organize your closet. It's been on your mind for a year and you really do want to tackle it. Because your family's schedule is packed with soccer games and work travel, you have to block off time months in advance. The day is circled on your calendar. It's THAT important to you. And then... your college roommate tells you she's coming to town that weekend. You trade your closet date for a date with your friend.
Neither choice is wrong.
You're a dedicated worker who won't let your team down. And you're an even better friend who genuinely loves that visit.
But when plans are made to take care of something important for you, and something thwarts them, and there's no return to the original plan... a longing lingers.
And that longing is what's depleting you.
Over time, these small unreturned promises create distance between the life you're living and the life that feels most true to you.
And that's exhausting.
Here's what traditional burnout advice misses.
You're not exhausted because you're too busy.
You're exhausted because you've spent years attuning to everyone else, while rarely attuning to yourself.
And for most of us, it doesn't feel like a choice. It's just who we are and how we lead our lives.
We were trained to do this.
A long time ago, our nervous systems learned that putting our needs aside and putting others first was the way to stay connected to those we loved. It was a brilliant strategy at the time. And it was needed then.
We got praised for being "the good girl," for being "wise beyond your years."
True story, I literally got awards for being "The Friendliest" and "The Smartest" in middle school.
Our culture hands out trophies for putting ourselves last.
And now, even though we're highly capable, confident women and the situation has changed, our nervous system doesn't automatically adjust.
Our systems run on the default settings of childhood until we consciously upgrade them.
And recognizing that is the first step.
Boundaries and saying no missed the point.
If you've tried the standard burnout advice, you already know it doesn't fully fix your exhaustion.
Set more boundaries. Drop the ball. Just say no.
You've already done those things. And, you're still tired.
That can be confusing. It made me think something was wrong with me and that I just wasn't doing it right.
Here's what's been left out of the burnout conversation.
There's a real possibility you've been abandoning yourself all along, unable to stay connected to your own body or your own needs the moment someone needs something from you, the moment urgency shows up.
I know that can be hard to hear, because you're not a doormat or a pushover.
You're a tough cookie who's done tough things and gotten tremendous outcomes.
But this pattern runs deep, back to before you could talk, and it has tentacles in everything.
And no one around us is going to name it, because it works.
Our pattern of putting others first and setting our own needs aside, actually works for all the systems we're in.
Companies, families, entire cultures run smoothly on the backs of women who unconsciously self abandon.
Our bodies often recognize this disconnect before our minds do.
That's why burnout can show up as physical or emotional exhaustion.
Sometimes it shows up as resentment.
Sometimes it feels like something’s off, even though from the outside everything looks fine.
So you might say to yourself,
“I should be happy. I have everything I worked for. So why do I feel so meh?”
The answer to exhaustion isn't always to work less.
I'd like to invite you to come back into relationship with yourself.
To reschedule your closet date. To reschedule that doctor's appointment.
Your needs deserve a place in the life you're creating.
I know you know that intellectually. But your nervous system needs proof that you'll come back.
Here's something you can try.
The next time you catch yourself dropping something you'd planned for yourself, make a promise.
You're outstanding at keeping your word to others. Now's the time to keep your word to yourself and give your body proof you're not going to abandon it.
Say this to yourself, earnestly, even if it feels hokey at first. That's just because no one taught you to speak to yourself with kindness. This isn't woo woo, it's grounded in science.
"I know that [name the thing you adjusted, missed, or cancelled] is important to you. And I'm going to come back to it. We will do it again. I promise.”
Then, with the same accountability you offer everyone else, make it happen for yourself. With repeated returns to yourself, you'll feel less depleted.
You're not choosing yourself over everyone else.
The fact is: you can be with yourself while also caring for others.
Maybe you've read this far and started noticing your own patterns.
It might look like a doctor's appointment you keep rescheduling. A room in your house you never get around to.
The thing is, self abandonment is easy to miss because it looks like being reasonable and measured.
It looks like being the person people count on.
I know the idea of self abandonment can be hard to swallow, especially when you've spent your whole life being the responsible one, the one who holds things together.
It certainly wasn't the part of the story I wanted to learn about myself.
And yet, it's been the single most important factor in regaining my energy and bringing back my joy.
One thing I want you to know:
This isn't about never making a tradeoff again, or never setting your own needs aside when something truly needs you.
Life asks that of all of us sometimes. Good women make tradeoffs every day.
The fix isn't in avoiding those moments.
It's in catching yourself when you do set something aside, and making a real plan to return to it.
That's the whole practice. And that's where the real shift happens.
This is what I mean when I talk about being fully witnessed. It's not enough for someone to see what you did and tell you it mattered.
Someone has to see what it cost you to do it, and let that cost matter too. Most of us have never learned to offer ourselves that.
Being your own self witness is where it starts.
If you're curious where this shows up in your own life, and the hidden places your exhaustion might be coming from, a Living by Design Session is a good place to start. We'll look at your specific situation together, and find where you've been abandoning yourself without realizing it, and what it would take to come back.
Lisa Bobyak founded Living Fully Balanced LLC because she got tired of watching brilliant women break themselves trying to maintain excellence, in part because she'd been one of them. For over a decade, she's worked with high-achieving, deeply attuned women who are doing everything right. Competent, disciplined, and highly self-aware. Armed with strategies, protocols, and solid habits. The level of their exhaustion doesn't match their effort to feel better.
If you're a high-achieving woman who's tired of working harder at your own wellbeing than you work at everything else... you don't have to break yourself to prove your worth.
Here are some things to consider:
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