Saying NO literally used to hurt.
"My head says NO, but my mouth says YES."
A client said this to me once and I completely knew what she meant.
There was a time when saying no actually hurt my body. My gut clenched and my neck grew tight… all before words even formed in my mouth.
If that's familiar, I want you to know you're not a pushover and I don't think you need to get better at setting boundaries.
It's Not a Boundary Problem
You've already read the personal and professional development books. You've memorized scripts for hard conversations. You could teach a class on healthy communication.
You are an expert communicator. And yet, there's a pattern running underneath the communication that's been keeping you hooked.
It can look like a boundary problem or a self worth problem. And I'm going to tell you that it's neither of these.
Here's what's going on.
The Trade-Off You Keep Making
When someone asks something of you, you make a trade-off. You know that saying yes to the request is going to cost you something. And you fully intend to come back to what you gave up later. It might be rest. Or the yoga class. Or a particular boundary. But it's always something that only you would notice.
It's a reasonable choice.
Except later doesn't come, because our culture isn't built to hold your return.
Our culture counts on the fact that you won't return to yourself.
Your job, your family, the endless list of people who are used to you showing up, do not hold space for your return.
So the small trade-offs build, and one day you realize you've been saying no to yourself for years without ever meaning to.
It's exhausting. It can feel defeating. And you've done nothing wrong.
"The tightness in my chest is gone. I haven't felt that in a while, and that was constant before I started coaching. The morning anxiety is also not there anymore. I'm not bracing for impact every morning, which feels unbelievable." — Nancy P.
You deserve a way of living where you show up for yourself in the same way you show up for everyone else.
Ten Tiny Ways to Practice Saying No
It can start small. Actually, it needs to start really small.
Decline a social invite that doesn't align.
Say no to complicated end of year teacher gifts.
Silence or leave a group chat that drains you.
Give your kid a loving no on a random request to buy something.
Say no to another episode and honor your sleep.
Unfollow someone whose life makes you compare yourself.
Say no to a food or drink that makes you feel terrible after.
Say no to hosting something you don't actually want to host.
Skip the scroll or the inbox check the second you wake up.
Say no to buying something just because it's on sale.
Pick one this week and notice what happens in your body when you do it.
You Don’t Need More Skills
If saying no still feels uncomfortable in your body, even after all the strategies you've tried, I want you to know that it's not a gap in your skills.
That's your nervous system telling you something the self care and wellness industry never addressed.
You're not doing anything wrong. However, there's been a big piece of your puzzle missing, and there's still time to find it before Labor Day.
Even the Most Confident Woman Has One Person
You may be saying, "Lisa, this isn't me. I'm a total badass at work. I'm confident and clear. I say no all the time."
And to you, I'd say, you can be all of those things and there can still be one or two people in your life who can get you to do things you wouldn't do for anyone else.
It could be a mother or a boss or an old friend, who has a way of getting a yes out of you, every time.
You may love her because "she's my mom." Or you may respect him because "he's my boss." That reasoning feels solid in the moment, and yet it's keeping you drained and exhausted, even if it's only one person in your life.
Here's what I mean.
Think of that one person now. You've rehearsed what to say to them more times than you can count.
You've shifted how you react and respond around them.
You've hung up the phone and told yourself, "Maybe it's just me. Maybe they didn't hear me. Maybe they misunderstood what I meant."
So even though you're rock solid in your values and have done the personal and professional development work… you still can be compelled to say yes when everything in your body is screaming no.
"I no longer feel selfish for listening to and acting on my needs. I know I always say it, but you are truly the gift that keeps giving." - Hannah W.
What Working Together Looks Like
I work with high-achieving, deeply attuned women who've done everything right and still feel that gut clench.
We talk about the patterns that exhaust you. We listen to the messages our bodies give us. We build new ways of navigating life.
Life doesn't change for my clients because they work with me. It's still busy and stressful. But their busy lives no longer suck the life out of them.
“My life is by no means calm and simple, or any less busy since working with Lisa. But...I’m focusing my time and energy where I want it, instead of where I feel life pulling me. And that’s a really good feeling. So, when I’m exhausted at the end of the day, I know that I’m exhausted because I spent my time on what matters.” -Meghann H.
The Living by Design Session is a real fifty minute coaching session, not a discovery call. You'll walk away with strategies built for your specific situation, and if we decide deeper work makes sense afterward, the $150 applies toward that investment.
Not just surviving.
A full life… fully enjoyed.
That's what's on the other side of this.
Lisa Bobyak founded Living Fully Balanced LLC because she got tired of watching brilliant women break themselves trying to maintain excellence, in part because she'd been one of them. For over a decade, she's worked with high-achieving, deeply attuned women who are doing everything right. Competent, disciplined, and highly self-aware. Armed with strategies, protocols, and solid habits. The level of their exhaustion doesn't match their effort to feel better.
If you're a high-achieving woman who's tired of working harder at your own wellbeing than you work at everything else... you don't have to break yourself to prove your worth.
Here are some things to consider:
Stay connected: Join the weekly newsletter for real stories and honest reflections on what it actually costs to lead while caring deeply, at work and at home. For women who'd like to feel a little less alone in all of this. [Sign up here]
Explore working together: A Living by Design Session ($150/50 min) is a real coaching session, not a discovery call. You'll walk away with customized strategies for your specific situation. If we decide deeper partnership work makes sense after your session, the $150 applies toward the full investment. [Schedule your session here]
Bring this to your organization: The Full Capacity Living signature workshop helps female leaders sustain their ambition without losing their edge, with practical strategies that go beyond productivity hacks. [Let's talk about bringing this to your group]