The setbacks I thought I'd never recover from (and how I did)
**Editor's Note:** I originally published this post in August 2024. I'm sharing it again today with significant additions that reflect 18 months of my own nervous system healing work and deeper understanding of how high-achieving women move through setbacks. If you read the original, you'll notice new frameworks around dual operating systems, somatic processing, and why traditional resilience advice falls short for HADA women.
“We need to talk," my husband said on his way to bed one night.
"Well, this is it. He's ready to have that difficult discussion," I said to myself, as I prepared a list of couples therapists we could choose from.
I had been wanting to talk about the rough patch in our marriage for a while now. He pushed away my bids for conversation.
So, that morning when we sat down to talk, I was ready with an extra pot of coffee. I settled into the couch for what I thought would be a hard, but meaningful conversation.
"Lisa. I've been having an affair. I know you don't believe in affairs. Here's an attorney's card. He's expecting your call."
And off to work he went.
Wait! Whaaaat?!? I felt sucker punched. I couldn't breathe. And I felt duped.
That "attorney's card moment" was a huge wake up call for me. I was confused, deeply hurt and viscerally angry. So angry, in fact, that I thought I'd never get the taste of disgust out of my mouth.
It seemed like everything I thought I knew about my life was based upon a lie. And I thought I'd never bounce back. But, of course I did.
When things hurt us, we often think we'll never get over it. Sometimes it feels like the blanket was pulled out from under our carefully curated picnic, sending everything we prepared flying in all directions.
Sometimes the plans we make blow up in our face. It can all feel very unfair.
And if you're a high-achieving woman—especially one who's wired to process both your own experience AND everyone else's emotions simultaneously—these moments hit differently.
You're the one who kept everything running during the crisis. You showed up at work the next day with a smile. You made sure your kids were okay. You managed everyone's feelings about your setback while your own nervous system was screaming.
Because that's what we do. We operate dual systems: cognitive excellence on one track, empathetic relational processing on the other. Always on. Always performing. Always aware of how our struggle might affect others.
And then we wonder why recovery takes so damn long.
Here's what I've learned through my own setbacks and through working with thousands of women like us: We were never promised a fair life. What we were promised is the ability to learn through the struggle and come out stronger on the other side.
But here's what traditional advice won't tell you: the way we move through setbacks has to honor our nervous system, not just our productivity.
1. GETTING A DIVORCE
Getting a divorce after 20 years of marriage was scary, confusing, and painful. But even in my deepest grief and on my worst days, I had faith I would be OK.
As alone as I felt, I knew I wasn't the first woman to experience this. While everything felt out of my control, I also knew that I did have control over how I responded to what was happening.
What I didn't know then, but understand now: My body held that betrayal long after my mind decided to move forward. High-achieving women are exceptional at cognitive processing—we can logic our way through almost anything. But our nervous systems don't work on the same timeline as our brains.
I filtered all my actions through the lens of my values during that chaotic time. My logical side knew that if I acted in congruence with my values, things would turn around for the better. I was right.
But I also had to learn: Values guide the direction, but the nervous system sets the pace. Some days I could handle the attorney calls and financial planning. Other days, getting out of bed was the win.
Align your actions with your values—and honor your nervous system's timeline for healing.
2. LOSING A PARENT
I'm not sure you ever get past losing a parent. But I can say, for me, that the shape of my grief has changed over time. That sharp sting has morphed into a dull ache.
There is one thing I know for sure: I still have my dad, just not here on earth, in the physical form. My dad, who was a pastor, is with me in the way I think and speak, in the things I value, and in my knack for kicking a soccer ball.
What I've noticed working with grieving clients: We high-achievers often try to schedule our grief. "I'll cry tonight after the kids are asleep." "I'll process this on the weekend." "I can't fall apart right now—there's too much work to do."
But grief doesn't respect our calendars. It shows up in our bodies—the tightness in our chest during a meeting, the sudden tears in the grocery store, the exhaustion that no amount of sleep can fix.
Love is stronger than death. And love never leaves you.
Honor your family in how you live—and honor your grief by giving it space to move through you, on its own timeline.
3. SCREWING UP AT WORK
When we make a mistake at work we often feel as though it's the end of the world. It's not.
I was so out of sorts and overwhelmed in my first year of teaching, that I was called into the principal's office for the first time in my life! "Lisa, you're not the same confident, young woman I hired. What's going on?"
Was I mortified? Completely! Was it career ending? Nope.
Here's what I see now that I couldn't see then: I was running on empty. My nervous system was dysregulated from trying to prove myself, manage challenging students, and meet impossible standards—all while being the "nice," accommodating teacher who never said no.
High-achieving women often experience work failures not because we lack competence, but because we've been operating at 120% capacity for so long that our system finally forces us to slow down.
That principal's office conversation became a turning point. I took it as a lesson and changed how I approached my life going forward. I became a better teacher—and a better person—for it.
Find the learning in your mistakes. And recognize when your "failure" is actually your body's wisdom trying to protect you.
4. MOVING AWAY FROM FAMILY
My husband and I got married right after my college graduation. We moved 9 times in 6 years and I haven't lived in the same state as my family since.
Every decision has a price and I miss the simple, day to day interactions with my family. I try to visit them as often as I can, and especially for major milestones in their lives.
For women who are wired for deep relational connection: Distance from family isn't just logistical—it's physiological. We feel it in our bodies. The absence of those easy Sunday dinners, the spontaneous coffee dates, the ability to show up when someone needs us.
This is the cost of ambition that nobody talks about. The opportunities that require us to move away. The careers that demand we choose between geographical proximity to family and professional growth.
On the plus side, distance means we don't waste time arguing over the small stuff and our time together feels special and always meaningful.
Treat the simple times with family as special times. And honor the grief of what you've sacrificed to build the life you wanted.
5. NOT GETTING MY MASTERS DEGREE DIRECTLY AFTER UNDERGRAD
When I was an undergraduate I was a resident advisor. Back in the day, Penn State offered room, board and half tuition in exchange for being an RA. I could have stayed at Penn State and gotten my masters degree in two years, with that same sweetheart of a deal.
Basically, my cost to get a master's degree would have been half tuition and two years of my time! I loved being an RA and campus life, yet, I wanted to move on to "real life" so I postponed getting my master's degree.
I lacked wisdom and maturity. I didn't have perspective. This will remain my one regret in life.
But here's what I tell my clients now: Sometimes our younger selves made the best decision they could with the information and nervous system regulation they had at the time.
'Real life' is now. Say yes to the opportunities.
And also: forgive yourself for the opportunities you missed when you didn't yet know what you were building toward.
What I Know Now at 59
Throughout most of my life, I believed that life is a matter of "if this, then that" scenarios. If I do THIS then I should get THAT. But I was wrong. I was giving myself way too much credit.
Now in my late fifties, I've learned that as much control I think I have over my life—I have none.
Here's the truth: We only have control over our thoughts, our actions, our responses to circumstances, and how we care for our nervous system through it all.
The real world can be harsh and even unfair. It's full of uncertainty, change and for sure, some loss.
But it's only because of the lows, that we can fully appreciate the highs—healthy relationships, the eternal love of family and the profound growth through our own mistakes.
In Man's Search For Meaning, considered to be the most widely read book to come out of the Holocaust, Viktor Frankl writes, "Forces beyond your control can take away everything you possess except one thing, your freedom to choose how you will respond to the situation."
Frankl believed that when we are no longer able to change a situation 'we are challenged to change ourselves.'
I would add this: We are also challenged to honor how our bodies hold these experiences, to pace ourselves through the transformation, and to give ourselves permission to heal at the speed of safety, not the speed of productivity.
We all have setbacks. The difference between people who are content and happy and those who are dissatisfied and sad is in HOW they respond to those bumps in the road.
For high-achieving, deeply attuned women, this means:
Honoring both your cognitive processing AND your somatic experience
Allowing your nervous system to set the pace of recovery
Recognizing that your ability to keep performing doesn't mean you're done healing
Understanding that rest isn't a reward—it's the actual work of integration
Now the only question you need to answer is: What is your setback asking of you right now? And what does your nervous system need in order to move through it?
With respect for the life you're leading,
Lisa
Ready to work through your setbacks with a nervous system-informed approach?
Living by Design Sessions are 50-minute, deeply focused coaching sessions where we work through exactly what your nervous system needs right now—not what productivity culture says you should be doing. $150 per session. [Schedule your session here]
Want to bring this work to your organization or community? I speak to groups of high-achieving women about sustainable ambition, nervous system regulation, and recovery from burnout. [Let's talk about bringing this message to your audience]
P.S. Gaining perspective and growing through a setback often takes support from someone trained in both the cognitive AND somatic aspects of transformation.
P.P.S. Many of my clients have shared that our work together has been more helpful, with more practical and tactical strategies, than years of traditional therapy—because we're addressing both the story you're telling yourself AND the way your body is holding the experience.