I Was Gaslighting Myself. For Years. Here's What That Actually Looked Like.
On mindset, body signals, and the quiet disconnect most high-achieving women never notice
A few years ago I was sitting in a concert hall for an evening of classical music. This is something I genuinely love. I had looked forward to it all week. And somewhere in the second movement I became aware that my shoulders were braced and my heart was moving a little faster than it should have been, given the tempo of the piece.
Nothing was wrong. My mind was fully present and I was genuinely delighted. The music was beautiful. I wasn't anxious about anything. I was, by every logical measure, relaxed and enjoying myself.
And yet my body was braced for something.
These feelings weren't unfamiliar.
Jaw clenched while reading a novel I was enjoying. Shoulders tight during a movie I had specifically chosen because I needed to unwind. Body leaning in during a conversation, head tilted in deep attention.
The sensations were not dramatic. They were just there, quietly, the way street noise becomes invisible when you have lived in the city long enough.
I noticed these physical sensations over the years. They were a nuisance, but truly, I could choose not to focus on them and just get on with my day.
They were annoying, but I didn't question why they were there.
I knew I wasn't anxious. I’m not a worrier. My mind felt fine. And I trusted my mind alone.
That was exactly the problem.
The belief that served us so well
High-achieving women who have done real personal development work tend to carry a deep belief in the power of mindset.
And that belief is not wrong.
It’s carried us through hard things. It’s helped us reframe setbacks, lead through uncertainty, and refuse to be limited by other people's ceilings.
Mindset work is real and it matters.
But there is a shadow side to that strength that I have not heard anyone talk about. And it caught me by surprise.
When you have been trained, through years of practice and reward, to manage your mental state, you get very good at overriding signals.
You hear things like: "You always show up for me." "No matter what, our team can count on you." "You never take a sick day."
Culture rewards the shadow side.
If your mind says you’re fine, you’re fine.
If your mind says this is enjoyable, your body should enjoy it, too.
The thinking brain becomes the authority, and the body becomes the thing that’s in the way. It’s being dramatic. A hindrance. It’s slowing things down. Wrong, even.
These thoughts aren't intentional. It’s not conscious.
It is, in fact, a direct extension of the very skill that made us exceptional leaders, exemplary parents, and “ride or die” friends.
And it means that for years, possibly decades, you have been quietly, with the absolute best of intentions, telling your body that its signals don’t count.
What this actually looks like
It looks like being in a yoga class, in savasana, doing everything right, while everyone around you seems to genuinely dissolve into the floor. And there you are, lying in the shape of a resting person, with no intention of yielding anything. Politely waiting to be dismissed from class, so you can get on with your day.
It feels like a low internal buzzing, much like a tuning fork, on a quiet Sunday when nothing is wrong, when you have nowhere to be and nothing urgent to handle. Your body just won’t settle. You say, “I’m not even worried. I have no idea why my body is tense. It should be relaxed.”
It looks like a vacation where your mind genuinely disconnects from work. Yet your shoulders stay tight for the first four days.
Or sitting down to read and noticing, if you notice at all, that your jaw has been clenched the whole time. Or your stomach feels unsettled for no real reason.
And because the mind is not worried, because there is no obvious threat, because you know how to manage your thoughts and you have been doing it well for a long time…
You say to yourself, with reason, “This is just how I am. This is my personality. I run a little hot. I’m wired for productivity. Silence never worked for me.”
And now we have an identity.
And once that identity arrives, it’s no longer a temporary guest.
It permanently moves in without your agreement.
The move is slow and imperceptible. So, you don’t question it.
You now have a familiar, albeit unhelpful, roommate.
The signals were never broken
Here is what I understand now that I didn’t understand then:
I was not noticing nothing.
I was noticing something important and yet, because it didn’t fit the cultural narrative of mindset work and it didn’t fit the productivity models I was taught..
I quickly explained it away, without much more thought. Making reasonable allowances for it.
But what I missed was this:
The clenched jaw was data.
The braced shoulders were data.
The racing heart at a concert I loved, was my body communicating something real about its state.
It was not wrong. It was not dramatic. It was doing exactly what it was built to do.
But I had a very well-developed system for responding to those signals with a firm, almost sarcastic, inner dialogue.
“You’re fine. Seriously, chill. There’s nothing to see here. You’ve got work to do. sister. Soldier on.”
I didn’t have the nervous system awareness yet.
I didn’t understand that the body doesn't respond well to being told it is fine. It actually bristles. It braces.
The body does not respond to being managed. It responds to feeling safe. And those are not the same thing.
Worth noting here is that I couldn't understand what the body might think is unsafe about my lovely home, having my cuddle cat Benny on my lap, and enjoying an evening on the deck, with a glass of wine in hand.
So like I said… Nothing to see here.
The moment I finally saw it
I knew what gaslighting was. I could spot it in a room before anyone named it.
You've felt it when someone discounts what you’re experiencing until you start to wonder if you're the one going crazy.
I’ve felt it in doctor's offices, where my symptoms were explained away by someone with more credentials and less information about my own body.
I felt it growing up, in my own home.
I now recognize it in the world around me with a kind of hard-won clarity.
And then one day, as I was learning that my body had a mind of its own, and that I needed to actually listen to what it was saying…it hit me.
"Oh. My. Gosh. You're gaslighting yourself!”
My brain had been gaslighting my body. Unintentionally. Unconsciously. For Years.
My head had been telling my body that it was not feeling what it thought it was feeling. “There’s nothing wrong. Get over yourself. You’re fine.”
And my body, loyal and true, kept bravely sending the signals anyway.
The braced shoulders. The clenched jaw. The racing heart in a concert hall. Not because something was wrong in the room.
Because it had learned what was coming next: the override.
No wonder I was bracing. I was protecting myself from ME. Oof.
That realization landed with a weight I wasn’t quite prepared for.
Because I wasn't being cruel. I wasn’t neglectful. I hadn’t intentionally ignored my needs.
I had been doing exactly what I had been taught to do, what had worked, what had served me and the people around me for a very long time.
And in doing so, I had spent years telling the most honest part of myself that its truth was wrong.
It still makes me tear up thinking about the decades I discounted it.
And I think this is the missing piece for so many women who are exhausted beyond all logical understanding.
It’s not that the inner work you did was wrong.
It’s that the body was never fully included in the conversation.
What shifts when you stop
I’m a true believer in mindset work. It’s necessary and important.
This isn’t an argument against it.
However, it is an argument for adding an additional layer that most mindset work misses entirely.
The women I work with are smart and savvy.
They are beyond self-aware.
They have often read more books and done more inner work than most people around them.
One of my clients actually began working with me on a dare.
She said, “I’ve done all the assessments. I’m highly self-aware. I can’t even imagine what you could tell me that I don’t already know about myself.”
She wasn’t missing knowledge.
What she was missing was a way to work with the body's signals rather than intellectualizing and overriding them.
But the thing was, that body piece, those feelings, that thing called self-compassion…
They all made her skin crawl.
She told me plainly, “I don’t do vulnerability. Don’t you dare try that with me.”
So I didn’t.
I would never suggest things that felt wrong to a person, because her body held truth and wisdom.
I kept her capacity in mind with every conversation, assessed her unique needs, and found an approach that worked for her.
I was continually re-assessing where she was, at the time.
That’s called titrating the approach. And honestly, I’m sad to say, it’s often missing in coaching and therapy.
Now, after years of working together, we can chuckle at the vulnerability comment.
She was right. Her body was not ready for it then.
And what was also true was that self-compassion and the willingness to be honest with herself were exactly what ended the crash-and-burn cycle she had been living in.
When that changes, things that felt impossible start to feel available.
Not because we think differently. But because our system finally has a way to receive what our mind is offering it.
My shoulders at the concert were eventually able to release. Not because I intellectually told them they should. But because I stopped overriding the conversation long enough to hear what my body needed.
My brain finally shared the mic with my body. And yours can, too.
I have no doubt that your situation is different from mine. Our bodies, brains and life situations make are truly unique. Yet, there are patterns that can be recognized. And therein, lies a way through.
If something in here felt familiar, I hope it also felt like permission.
Permission to take the signals seriously.
Permission to release your grip, even just a bit.
Permission to share the load with a friend who gets you.
Permission to stop white knuckling it alone.
Permission to consider that your body hasn’t been working against you, it’s been wanting to share information with you.
Permission to acknowledge that it’s worth the time to listen.
It’s waiting for you to let it be heard.
About Lisa Bobyak
Lisa founded Living Fully Balanced LLC because she got tired of watching brilliant women break themselves trying to maintain excellence, in part because she had been one of them. For over a decade, she has worked with female founders, executives, and leaders who have achieved everything they set out to accomplish, only to realize the cost was higher than they wanted to pay. She helps high-achieving women build sustainable strategies so they can keep their edge without sacrificing their health, relationships, or the life they are working so hard to create.
If you are a high-achieving woman who is tired of choosing between excellence and sustainability, you do not have to break yourself to prove your worth. Here are some things to consider:
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