Should Having It All Feel This Bad?

While dining out at a fancy schmancy restaurant…you know the ones that offer you a gorgeous wooden box of 20 different types of teas…I faced a life altering choice.

As the waiter walked around the table with that mahogany box, I was eyeing up the tea bags, thinking about which I would choose when it was my turn. 

“Which tea would you like, miss?”

Even though I had a good five minutes to decide, I couldn’t respond. All eyes were on me, and I felt my periphery closing in. The harder I tried, the more elusive my response. Nothing came out of my mouth. 

You’d think that a simple decision like choosing some tea would have been easy.

By then I had graduated from college, planned and organized my wedding event for 250 people, moved and relocated to 7 different homes and settled into 6 different states. I was a mother of two young girls. I was a member of our church’s council.  I was working on my masters degree and remodeling our current home. 

I had even managed the sale of our east coast home, tying up all the loose ends and flying myself and my daughters cross country. All with my 6 month old screaming on my lap and my 3 year old crying next to us that her sister was too loud. And all while my husband waited at the other end. He had been able to simply get on a plane with a suitcase, knowing corporate housing waited at the other end.

I was a woman who could make tough decisions, for God’s sake!

And yet, here I was in a stupid restaurant completely stumped by the choice of tea.

Again the waiter asked, a bit louder this time,, “Ma’am. Which tea would you like?” 

It wasn’t that I didn’t like tea. I did!  I just couldn’t make a decision about which one. 

There I sat, completely frozen in decision fatigue with tears trickling down my cheeks.

That’s when I knew something was off. 

I had created a life that contained everything I wanted. But I wasn’t in love with the life I had. 

After a good cry and some hard conversations with myself, I realized that in all the doing and giving and holding things together, I had lost myself in the process. 

Prior to what has grown to be called “The Tea Incident”, I was comfortable going with the flow and not rocking the boat. I didn’t need to be the loudest one in the room, I told myself. I could be a quiet leader, leading from behind.

I was exhausted, chronically tired, often impatient and resentful. And sometimes things came out of my mouth that I wasn’t proud of. I wasn’t who I knew I could be. I didn't recognize myself anymore. 

Has this ever happened to you? 

Steeped in people pleasing and negative self-talk, my daily schedule had no margins and I didn’t give myself the luxury of alone time. I did have boundaries, but I didn't hold them, hence the resentment. 

I had created a life I wanted, but I didn’t love the life I had. 

Something had to give. 

I was completely overwhelmed, but thank God I had the awareness to keep my changes simple and easy to remember.

Rather than trying to do all the things at once, no doubt unsuccessfully, I chose to filter everything I did through this one question. 

“What do I need/want right now?”

Here’s how it looked at first. 

I needed to prepare dinner. Typically I’d think about what the girls wanted to eat, what my husband preferred and combined those with what I had in the fridge and then I created a meal.

After The Tea Incident, when I needed to prepare dinner, I’d ask myself, “What do I want right now?” before considering the others. This way I, at least, began to take my own needs and wants into consideration. 

It felt selfish and rude.

And honestly, my family didn’t like the changes I was making. I couldn’t blame them. My changes meant changes for them and who likes imposed change?

However, eventually they grew to understand. I now know that my daughters learned how to speak up for themselves because of my example. Raising daughters who won’t lose themselves in the process of creating a life they love, was reason enough for me to make those changes. 

But I knew there could be more. 

After having practiced using my filtering question in low risk situations like preparing dinner and choosing tea, I was eventually able to use the filter in situations with higher stakes.. 

Here’s how that went down. 

Prior to The Tea Incident I would always say yes when a friend asked me to go somewhere. When I was exhausted I would secretly wish that I had a commitment, so that I had an excuse to say no. 

After the incident, when a friend asked me out, I’d mentally run the filtering question through my mind. 

“What do I need right now?”

Oftentimes I was overstimulated and needed rest. Or time alone. Or a night to myself to take a warm bath and read a book. 

Once I could identify what I actually needed, I was better able to articulate my needs to my friend. 

If you're wondering… yes, some friends weren’t fans of my new approach. And with attrition, my friend group grew smaller… but so much richer. 

Over time, the more I recognized my own needs and wants, the less stressed, exhausted and resentful I became. Simultaneously I became more fulfilled, happy and energetic. 

By using the filter question, “What do I need right now”, I had learned to love my life again. 

NOTHING in my life had changed. 

Yet everything in life changed. 

My approach to life made all the difference. 

What started out as a simple quest to learn what type of tea I preferred, ended up creating a movement. 

I now teach high achieving women how to live and lead in a sustainable, more powerful way, without losing themselves in the process. 

I didn’t love the life I had, because I was completely fried and burned out. 

Now, after a few shifts in my approach, I am in love with the life that I have! 

You should be in love with your life too.  If you're not, you have the power to shift your path. 

I believe it’s our responsibility to put ourselves in the equation when we make decisions. 

We can change the trajectory of our health, our families, our careers and our communities with one simple question. 

“What do I need right now?”

When we ask this of ourselves, the ripple effect is wide (and we risk losing ourselves if we don’t.)

Having it all really doesn’t have to feel bad.

Lisa Bobyak, Life Balance Consultant, Leadership Coach and founder of Living Fully Balanced™, has been preventing and healing burnout in high achvieing women for nearly a decade. Her approach and customized strategies challenge the current hustle culture. Busy, professional women are learning a sustainable, more powerful way to live and lead through her private coaching, semi annual Pause Retreats and her Living Fully Balanced Life Planner™.